Under the Tree / April

"Under The Tree"

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been just over a year...We celebrated Viviana's first birthday on April 4.  My grief has changed...some days it comes back and feels so fresh and like it just happened.  Most of the time I can feel that time has passed.  This past month has felt very up and down.

I think life is becoming somewhat easier with the actual "living with grief" but over all, life feels very different.  My faith has completely changed and I still don't know what it is....I don't know where to go from here with it either.  We had only been living in this town for about 2 1/2 years when our daughter died, very far from our family and long time friends...the new friendships here did not seem to withstand the strain of such tragedy, so we now have lost them.  Some by choice mostly because it did not feel safe to be around some of them in the midst of the deep pain.  We did get closer to a few but at the moment...I really feel I have only one good friend in town and really not anyone else.  I do have good friends but they are mostly in Colorado or else where on the map.  I feel very isolated, and once again, I don't know where to go from here.  I still don't feel like "me" or even know what that means.  It is hard to imagine making new friends when I feel so confused about my overall character...  So this has been a big struggle in my new life.

So, again, I think the grief has gotten easier but my life feels it has gotten harder since I feel I am still adjusting to the newness of some of the deeper parts of me.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I don't have a problem now with pregnant women...because I am one.  I did for the first 5 or so months after we lost our daughter.  I felt jealous and as if they had no idea the possibilities that lie ahead... though I had no idea what they had or had not already endured.  It was hard to see them.  Our first Halloween, we went downtown (in our small town) and watched all the small children parade around in their costumes and it was a very hard day.  I was expecting it to be...but we left early and just sat in our car and cried.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

We did many things for therapy...we actually did go to counseling and I am so grateful for that. He was a great counselor!  He helped me to feel safe with my feelings and questions and helped explain some of the things my brain was doing to try and get through...and that it was ok.  He let us question our own faith which was a nice change as he is a Christian and did pastoral counseling for many years. We went for about 6 months.

I am an artist (my career) so I did get in my studio early on and this was very helpful!  Since it is my job, I have a hard time just being free in it and painting what I feel instead of painting from life or for clients...but I did and some pretty interesting things came out.  My studio was the one place (besides being next to my husband) that felt safe!  I am an avid exerciser too...mostly outdoors...but my husband finally felt on board to join a gym and this too I think saved our lives!  We would feel better being there...there was also no reference to our loss or grief at this gym...no one new us there yet.  We would go and sit in parks and just lay there...walk on the beach...read from grief books...listen to music...and talk a lot.  This was all therapy...  We still do many of these things but it is not as deliberate as before.  They are just now part of life again.

Some days nothing helps and I don't feel like doing anything...but the thought in the back of my head that helps keep me going, that I felt early on when I was tempted to drown myself in a bottle (not really my thing but it was sounding good at the time) I pictured my daughter watching me and I thought, "How could I do that to her?  That isn't honoring her.  Such a beautiful girl and all the love I feel, how could I throw it into a liquid pool of misery?"   So I decided, the best way I could honor her would be to live!  Which is what her name means....Viviana....To Live....  and not just keep going...but LIVE purposely, deliberately....   some days I don't.  But many days I try very hard and feel strong about this and find ways to continue to laugh and smile.  This feels honoring to her....