jumbled up..

Wow! Satria is already 9 weeks....parenting a new born is really tough. Losing a child is really tough. Sounds pathetic I know and for the first 5 or so weeks, I did not talk to any of my friends or family as I felt ashamed at not feeling the blissful, I am a new mom, emotions I expected. Especially knowing what it is like NOT to get to feel that since your baby died. The sleeplessness, the fear, the anxiety....so many things I did not expect. So many nights laying awake watching her, making sure she was still breathing...

Never a moment when I did not know how blessed I was to have Satria...but far more difficult than I ever expected. The first week I also wept a lot from not having Viviana also and really missing her.... a few times I called Satria Viviana....

Sometimes in my head I still think "baby Vivi" when I am looking at her....though they are not the same and I feel, are very different souls.

Now, it is leveling out. Satria is not crying all hours of the day and I am not wondering what to do next to calm her... I would still take that cry over not getting to hear the cry....

I have not talked with another mom who lost a child and what it was like for her once she had another child. I know I am more hyper than probably most first moms...I am not about to let her cry it out....not going to let her sleep alone in her own room....not going to let her cry more than a few minutes if I can figure out what it is she needs....which is usually the breast.

For the first few weeks I kept thinking of ways she might die if I did not do the right thing...

UUggghhh!!!!

I still have those thoughts but it is much rarer....

I am even struggling with getting her vaccinated.....for now we are postponing.....

I am blessed to be able to stay at home and just take care of her. My art career has been put on hold and my husband is working his butt off so that we can afford such a luxury....staying home with her. I can't imagine sending her off to day care though I know this is something many families must do.

So many moments I wonder....what kind of decisions would I be making if my first daughter had not died. What kind of mom would I be without that horrific experience? I don't know...I know some things would be different....

For now...this is the mom I am....

The birth was incredible!!! Everything we could have hoped. Labor seemed to go really quickly. I only had to push for an hour....having her in the water and at our home was wonderful! Never did I have any fears....just listened to my body minute by minute since it truly knew what to do. She came swimming up to us and just peacefully wiggled around in our arms until she took her first breath and tried to open her eyes to this new world. So different from our first experience where there was no first breath and no sound....

Now sometimes when I dance around the house with Satria, snuggle or breast feed, I tell Viv how much I wish she was here too and celebrate her in the moment as well....

I can't believe I was able to write this much as she fed the whole time....I am getting the hang of this...today anyway....tomorrow is always a different story....

Still not much sleep but every moment worth it!!! Her sweet coos, smiles and even cries....every single one, a treasure I hold deeper than I probably would have without having had Viv.....