Under the Tree / Frist Blog... March 4, 2009

How long have you been blogging for?  Why did you start?  What do you want from writing?

I have been blogging for about 3 minutes after setting up my page (which took much longer)

I started because I came across the blog page/website: 

 "Under the Tree" and "To Write Their Names in the Sand" and decided I wanted to participate.  (after balling my face off due to seeing the pictures of all those sweet names in the sand and knowing that pain so well!)

I have always enjoyed writing/journaling for myself or while traveling.  I have never felt compelled to be a blogger or share any of that with anyone other than family or close friends.

This is a subject/journey worthy of sharing and being a part of another family that you can only really understand if you have had the experience of losing a child.  I think writing and reading other's posts will connect myself and my husband with others and strengthen our commitment to continue to live....deliberately....which is a promise I have made to my daughter Viviana,

my husband and myself.

Where is the safest place for you to share your feelings?  Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

The safest place for me has always been with God or in my journal.  Now I also feel this with my husband, since knowing him and especially after this experience we have grown even closer and more open.  Also with a couple of  girlfriends.

I feel completely accepted by my husband, Trent....what a gift!  I have 2 or 3 girlfriends I can be completely honest with as well.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

I can only really offer grieving books (except for one).  I have read many others but have still felt empty when trying to find answers....and that is probably the problem.  That I am looking for answers.  I have definitely had moments of new insight and hope, usually coming from conversations with my husband or while painting.  The places I used to turn don't seem to work the same way....

Anyway, a great book I recommend is "Man's Search for Meaning"  by Viktor E. Frankl.

Written by a man in a concentration camp...and still choosing to find hope.

Other books based directly on losing a child that helped me feel connected, 

"Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis

"An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" by Elizabeth McCraken

"Healing a Parent's Grieving Heart,  100 Practical Ideas After Your Child Dies"  by Alan D. Wolfelt  ...this one really good for a daily reading and something you can do that feels tangible.

All these books have helped me in some capacity.  Each one at a different time with in this past year.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby.  How have you changed, who are you today?

I would describe myself as a person who believed in truly living your passions.  Not going with the flow of a typical job and life but one that you choose and are passionate about.  Living in a place where you feel connected to your surroundings...whether geographically speaking or anything else that connects you.  I had a very close relationship with God.  A Christian but not religious.  Feeling He was guiding my life....as much as I could listen...  ;) 

I did not think I could explain  all things, but felt that things happen for a reason or at least there was a Divine Purpose for things...whether good or difficult.  Very open to others ideas and pursuits.  Shy in large crowds but comfortable with others and talking one on one.

Now...I feel very different on the inside.  Having been involved in real tragedy, I no longer believe things necessarily happen for a reason.  Now I see tragedy and difficult things that happen to people all over the world and can't imagine there are purposes for them.  I do believe we have free will and choices...which can affect many things.  When things happen that no one has choice in or could have played a part in....my original beliefs just don't hold water anymore. I don't believe things will just always work out if you work hard enough or have enough faith...the world is a hard place.  Of course I could go on and on about some of the ideas and questions I have begun to have since my daughter's death...but obviously I have not come to conclusions or think that I ever will completely understand.  But, I think this has been one of the biggest changes since last April...my faith.  

Some of the positive changes have been that I can look others in the eye more closely and not assume I know what their life has been like.  And with someone who has endured tragedy, I can sit more comfortably with them and not be afraid.  Moments with others mean even more to me and I want to work even harder in relationships.  I feel more dull and that there is less light that I carry within me.  I still laugh a lot and dance around the house a lot...but overall, I feel different.  Though many days I want my innocence back, I feel more grounded and more real.  I still don't know exactly who I am yet...  I am Brooke.  A wife.  A mother.  An Artist, and one who is continuing on...but very confused.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now?

Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

Even with all of the above...I think I am coping pretty well.  I don't know that there can be a measuring tool for this.  I get out of bed everyday, make lists of things I have to do, do them, eat, exercise, talk, laugh with and love my husband, create art....grieve when it hits me and after almost a year, it is less often, but when it hits...it can still hit very hard.  I think we have given a lot of time to grieving and healing.  I think we have put in the work and have not run from it. There is no getting over it, but I think it is finding it's place...what ever that means.  The hardest part is understanding and excepting that I will never get to hold my daughter again, or get to see her grow up and become a woman...those things kill me....

There is light...I just don't know what it looks like yet.  We are pregnant again and that has given us much hope...but of course it is just different than before.  The innocence gone.  It is hard to imagine the future.  I used to be able to do that a lot and really go after what I was focused on and hopeful of...now...it isn't dark....but it is foggy.  I hope to see us with a baby, working hard, living in our community with other parents, artists and those who have helped us through this difficult year....   I try not to expect or go any further than that.  Even this much feels too expectant....

Thanks so much for this site and creating this community.  My husband and I have needed this and look forward to being a part and contributing to others going through this difficult experience.

Yours in friendship, Brooke