I feel huge already and am only 21 weeks. My belly is popping out so much more quickly this time. While showering yesterday, something hit me really hard. I looked down and saw my big-ol-belly and was amazed.....here I am again. I remember a month or so after we lost Viv, I would reach down to my tummy and there was only a bunch of extra skin. She was gone. My pregnancy was gone. And there was no baby. I could not remember what the kicks felt like. What it felt like to have her rolling around in me. How long would it be before I got to experience that again? I just longed for that pregnancy to return. Obviously, I continue to long for her. I enjoyed pregnancy so much my first time. I could not believe how much I was loving it! So, what hit me yesterday was, HERE I AM. I am pregnant again. I can reach down and there is my bulging, round and tight belly. I know what the kicks feel like because I get to feel them every couple of hours. We have the hope that in another 4-5 months, we will be looking at our baby. Unfortunately, I can't count on this, but it is my hope. And for today, I am pregnant. There is a healthy and beautiful baby growing inside of me. I was so grateful when all this hit me...I am grateful now.
I am grateful for many things and try and remind myself daily of all we have. Had we not had Viviana, I would not know that kind of love. There is just nothing like it. My husband and I have always had a very close and loving relationship and she gave us even more. She gave us so much! I just wanted to be able to give her so much as well. I try and do this though she is not with me...
Her birthday is in two weeks. Of course there are mixed emotions, but one that I want to hold on to is celebration. Celebrating her and the time we did have with her. Now we get to celebrate that time with her growing brother or sister.
Many blessings to you all this week.
Hello dear Brooke,
ReplyDeleteI found your beautiful blog when I checked in on Chelsea. I've loved her writing for months now. I am in awe of the beautiful things God is sharing with me as I follow your journeys. Thank you so much for your willingness to share your "journal" so openly. Lovely.
Your daughter has such a special name. So fitting. She is alive. As we drove to my grandmother's home, very concerned that she was ill and hadn't answered the phone, my once-little boy was clenching his hands in prayer. Ty suddenly asked fearfully, "You don't think Grandma's dead, do you?" The Holy Spirit "inspired" my answer: "No, I don't think she's dead. I KNOW she's alive but I'm not sure if she's alive at her house anymore." Jesus died to defeat death itself so it's not something we should try to cover with platitudes but I know you have hope beyond this world. Jesus didn't take Vivi from you because He "needed" her more than you did, nor is she an angel looking over you. Bad things happen to good people and this is one of the most difficult, for sure.
I will be grateful for your life and for your family of four when I next talk to the Lord. You are such a special woman. I learned that I live in Chelsea's area when she ref'd something local. I'm a several generation native of the Lake Forest Park area of greater Seattle.
I don't have a blog but you are welcome to email if you'd like to say "hi."
With you in the Grip of God, Michal
(My name means "brook" in Hebrew. It is pronounced like "Michael" but comes from a different root meaning. Michal was the first wife of King David, daughter of Saul, sister of Jonathan. Most of her story is in I and II Samuel)
Love that you love being pregnanct. I long to have the stomach again, it is almost like I could be pregnant all the time. Isn't it special? I remember when I was pregnant w/Grace, even knowing our poor outcomes, I thought, how come I waited so long and it is so sad how some women never want to be pregnant or take it for granted.
ReplyDeleteMichal is a dear, you'll enjoy getting to know her faithful and kind heart.
I love your picture of the forrest! I have been wanting a norweign style sweater, like maybe from Poulsbo? So, if we make it over there I'll email you to see if you want to meet up.
Wishing you all the grace the universe can offer that you may bring home a living, cooing, breathing baby to love and hold.
ReplyDeleteBrooke,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading my entries. Your blog is great. You are so right, being pregnant is the most amazing thing, it is so unfortunate that us bereaved mothers will never have the chance to have the care free pregnancies a second time around. I wish you and your baby all the health in the world. I will be checking your blog for updates, I hope to soon be able to share similar good news.