Just When You Think....

So as time has moved on....and it has been over a year now since we lost our daughter...we still have hard days, but I actually had a couple of days in a row where I actually felt comfortable in my own skin.  It has been a long time since I have felt that way.  The first day it happened, I was completely out of my element, at a luncheon, meeting over a hundred new faces, as I was being introduced into an artist's group I just got juried into.  I don't usually do that well in large crowds, a bit of a wall flower.  Even when I share a similar passion with them, (art).  But, for some reason, yes, shy, I felt "normal".  

The next day, the feeling carried on...I felt strong standing in my own 2 feet.  I even ran into a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in a year.  (One of the hazards that resulted from this year's grief.)  For the first time, I was able to walk right up to her and start talking.  It was brutal (or should I say, she was brutal), but it was as if I had this huge bubble around me that protected me from her intense glare and tough words.  I felt as though, with all that has happened this year, how can this be scary?  And it wasn't.  I also felt I had Viviana and Knuckles by my side, helping hold me up.  I was able to finally tell her why I was not able to spend time with her after trying for a couple of months after our loss.  Some relationships just did not feel safe.  Unfortunately, though she was my newest, closest friendship since moving to this new town 3 1/2 years ago, she just was not able to support me the way I needed.  She tried.  I think she did the best she could, but I kept feeling as though she needed me to carry her through my grief at a time when I needed to be carried.  She even left a message on my phone expressing frustration and anger that I was not returning her calls....  Well, I wasn't returning many calls, if any, and no one else was mad at me.  They would either try again or just show up on my door step.  I don't blame anyone for not knowing what to do for someone in a time of grief and/or huge loss.  But to turn it into anger and feelings of disappointment and then push it onto the other person....that part I don't quite understand.  We all do it differently though....   She and I have much more to talk about and whether or not we can salvage the friendship, I don't know.  Unfortunately, it is a small town and I will see her again, but at least we have begun the phase of either patching it together or closure....and either way, I feel free.

All this to say, I was having those tricky thoughts again of wow, I have really come a long way. And though I have,  just when it felt like I was floating on a cloud and the world would all be good again...I was shopping at our quaint little grocery store and in walked a man that was in our birthing class from last year.  His wife was due 2 days before me.  We were using the same midwife, same home birth/warm pool delivery plan....  And there, in his shopping cart, sitting up, sweet and bouncy, was their daughter.  Or did I see my daughter...or what would have been my daughter at this age....  

The clouds disappeared from under me.  It was harder to breath and the thought of throwing up was creeping in....  I moved along quickly and tried not to burry my head in the thoughts that could soon over take me and cause me to run out crying...  I held it together and about 5 minutes later, there they were again in my aisle.  I was trapped by a woman stocking the shelves in the next aisle and all her gear and a pile of boxes blocking the other exit.  My only way out was to have to squeeze by the happy daddy and baby....  All a sudden, my husband showed up looking at me funny and I could not look at him because I then knew that I would truly break down.  He asked if that was who he thought it was and I said yes, keeping my eyes glued to the nicely organized shelves of flour and sugar.  I said, "I can't get out of here..."  My wonderful husband took my cart and let me squeeze my 7 month pregnant self uncomfortably by the stocker and the shelves she was loading.  We finally made it out of there.  Trent said "at some point, we are just going to have to face them".  We have faced a lot of things and this one is hard to picture, but someday we will be ready.  It is not the first time we have seen them, but the other times, their baby has been bundled up or covered.  I did see them once again as we were driving out of the parking lot and couldn't help but send a "bless you baby" through my head and into the air over to the child.  I am glad all worked out for them...I wish this on no one, but it is hard to swallow sometimes.  

I know I can measure how far we have come by picturing some of these events happening even 4 months ago and not being able to cope with them well, if at all.  I feel grateful to be pregnant again...it hasn't made any of the pain go away, but it has given us hope again.  And that is difficult for me to share since I know many who have not been able to get pregnant again after their loss....

Pain, death and loss continue to surround us all throughout life....and though this can feel very defeating at times, it also gives me the energy to take in every gulp of air and breathe it in fully and get everything out of it I can.  And to do the same with everything in my life...  

And with every breath out.... find ways to give it away just as fully as the gift it has just given me....   

What else can we do?