Holding my breath...

I have been feeling so positive about this pregnancy for the most part once we got into our 2nd Tri.  Lately...at 31 1/2 weeks, exactly when we lost Vivi, I feel I question every thing I do.  I keep thinking I am going to kill the baby...somehow, it will be that one thing I think is ok and normal to do, which is for most but for some reason, something went wrong and it did my child in.

What happened with Viv was a freak accident....her cord got too twisted and ended up being severed.  Though there is nothing I could have done, did or could undo if I had known...except have a miraculous intervention of a c-section if we had been able to see the cord just at the perfect moment....  Even having gone through every scenario....as you know I have....I keep thinking, "maybe I should not be doing this"....."what if?".....

And yet, I feel I need to keep doing things or I will stress myself to death and then kill the baby that way....sorry to be so gruesome......  but so many words and statements are just so normal since we lost our daughter.  

I feel as if I am going to be holding my breath for the next 2 months....which seems an eternity away!  Neither my husband or myself can go to that moment of actually having that baby placed on my chest and have his/her eyes open.....  Even now I feel I fall short of breath and overwhelmed!  It will just be hours of crying I think....for our daughter Viv, for this new baby, for the past year and 1/2....for the miracle that has happened!  Will it happen?  

When I pictured getting pregnant again, I thought these would be the feelings I would experience, but lately, I have felt so positive....I have been thinking, wow, you're doing pretty good.  Staying in the positive.....but it has snuck up on me.....  

Of course it is during this week!  I just keep hoping to make it to 32 weeks!  But then I still have 8 or so weeks to go.....again, I am breathless....