The waiting game...

This baby has taught us much patience....or maybe I am not learning very well.....

I have not even hit my due date but yet for a week or so, I have been expecting the baby to push the eject button so we can get this labor rolling.

I have not written in a while... part of me fears making those who have not become pregnant again uncomfortable and then I think I should start a new blog about the new baby....but it is all rolled into one experience. The loss we still feel over Viviana and yet the hope of this new little one cannot be separated for me. As time has moved further from Viviana's death, I can say, the everyday pain has lessened. I can easily (and do) go into it and immediately will be right at the crux of the anquish, but for the most part, I can look at her picture, caress it and smile. I never thought we would be able to come this far, even as many said we would. I expect some of it is the new hope we have with this baby....it still does not replace the pain we feel over losing our daughter.

I also think I have stayed a bit out of this blog land to protect myself and this new baby....I get so emotional when reading others' stories and comments....which I love being a part of but with this delivery coming so close, it has felt too much to bare.

Included on my list of things I have been trying to accomplish before Knuckles comes, is finishing Viviana's baby book. I created one just using my computer and photos of the whole journey from pregnancy to birth on her due date last year. Now I am trying to make the real one with the real photos, cards sent, my bracelets/tags I wore in the hospital, small keepsakes, her foot/hand prints and small locks of her hair.... I have been working on it for months and have only made it through the pregnancy. I am now up to the day she was born and have had a hard time getting back to it. I so desperately want to finish it before Knuckles gets here and it is on my list this week....even today's list....I need hours at a time since I am quite slow and of course wanting it to be perfect....I want it to be a celebration of Viviana, not a sad remembrance....so I want to be in the right space to work on it again. Maybe this is why Knuckles has not come yet.... I have already begun working on Knuckles' baby book....

I have felt my first real bit of jealousy and almost some anger in a long time...a friend/relative of ours just had her first baby. I got pregnant with my second just weeks after she was pregnant with her first so we have been communicating a lot which has been really fun. Just this past week, she had her baby and we got to see her holding him via iChat (video chat) on our computer. He is adorable and just watching her hold him was so great....and then, all a sudden, it wasn't so great. I kept thinking, how come she gets to hold her baby like that and here I am still pregnant, waiting for mine..... Obviously it is not her fault and I am so glad all is well with her baby and family... It was just a little hard to stomach after 2 long pregnancies, here I am, still waiting to hold my living child and there she is, cooing away with hers after what seems like 9 1/2 short months. I don't even know if I can explain the feeling....it feels so selfish and I feel so entitled. Many cannot even get pregnant again, many have lost more than one baby....here I am on the beautiful brink of giving birth again and I have my arms crossed and complaining that it isn't fair! Obviously, I don't know the outcome of this birth, of this baby.

Will it all go ok? Most likely. Will I get to look into my child's eyes, at the most, within about 2 1/2 weeks, probably....of course, you never know....but I feel so ready for it now!

Didn't I start this post off by saying this baby is teaching us much patience? Well, guess I need to actually take that in and really try and learn something.....