The Secret Garden Meeting

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I wish I could say I always picture Viviana in some wonderland place where she is running around and happy....sometimes I do. But, sometimes I am at a loss for where she is and think she is just as sad not to be with us. I sometimes picture her running in a purple sun dress through a field of sunflowers or orange poppies. We talk to her a lot at a place we call Vivi's bluff. I have always been so drawn to water and so looking out over the Puget Sound, the mountains and islands in the back ground, somehow feels perfect for where she might be looming. I always carry her with me and think of her sweet face, how we saw her after she was born. It is hard to picture her eyes since we never got to see them.

We have been talking to her a lot about helping her little brother or sister into the world.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

We have worked hard at staying positive. We are actually planning the same kind of birth experience we did with Viv. We are planning to do it at home, with our midwife and in a small heated pool of water. We only had one ultrasound at 20 weeks. I have had thoughts to have another...but wonder what it would actually do for us. Since we lost Viv because her cord got twisted, there is really no reason to have other ultrasounds or tests since there would be no way to see the cord or see those kinds of problems. We did not do other tests the last time...I felt it would put too much fear in me. Obviously, I have enough of that this time too....but with the powerlessness of it all....unless it would change the way we should deliver the baby (safety concerns), I don't know that all the extra info. would help me or make me more stressed out....so we opted to stay away from more fear. I know this is such an individual choice. I think whatever is going to make a person most comfortable throughout their pregnancy, those are the actions a person should take.

I did many of the same things as in my last pregnancy...Yoga, swimming, walking, lifting weights and staying very active...many people expected me to stay at home and just lay in bed the whole time...but I think staying active, carefully, creates the best environment for a healthy pregnancy...not to mention not going too stir crazy for 10 months, which I would have and just created more stress. Unfortunately, you can do everything "right" and it still does not work out...which is devastating and completely unfair...but I have learned, is the way of the world...so we are doing the best we can....and have much hope that this time, it will work out.